Sucks big donkey nuts

Today sucks big donkey nuts. Why? Cause my 27-year old cousin, mother to an almost 3 year old daughter and wife to a doting husband, is likely not going to make it. CJ took a turn for the worst last night and is on a vent and filling with fluid. Brain scan shows lots of white area which means 'dead brain' and she has no active brain waves. They are doing a series of tests tomorrow to determine whether or not she'll come back or if this is permanent and they need to say goodbye. I'm physically ill over this. I was so positive last week because she was showing huge signs of improvement and had a couple hours of lucidity.

Because I felt so positive last week, I made a point to be positive about everything and to find the positive in every person/event regardless of how awful or negative. I felt great!! Everything was so much more clear and I was much happier and didn't feel so sluggish. Today, I can't look beyond the negative.

This sliver of positive in this whole awful event....CJ is an organ donor. Her family is aware of JC's need for a kidney. If CJ has the same blood type as JC, JC has first rights to CJ's kidney. It's WAY to bittersweet and all three of us Girlz are having a really hard time with this. This is not how we wanted this all to happen. JB was gonna donate and I was going to be the backup for the far distant future.

I know God works in mysterious ways, but I am having a hard time with it. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason regardless of the situation, but she didn't have a hateful bone in her body. I don't understand. Maybe God has another agenda for her, but what about her husband and tot? I will ask God to keep them close and help them through this awfulness.

I can't seem to keep the tears from coming when I think of her, see her FB page and her farm as my Farmville neighbor. We really only started to reconnect this past year. First on FB and then in July at J's 10 year memorial. She will be greatly missed by all.